Hummus Illustrated

On Tuesday, January 30 th , the Hall of Presidents in Disneyworld’s Magic Kingdom held the first ever State of the Kingdom Address delivered by the animatronic of Donald Trump. Though out of season for the park, the hall was packed by fans of the new animatronic, others that were not so crazy about the audio animatronic, and a select few invited guests and cast members. Early on, it appeared as if the animatronic president was undergoing at least a partial malfunction.   For many of the park goers in attendance, the animatronic president did not even turn to meet them. He was locked dead fast on one side of the room; the side which always seemed to deliver the loudest applause. Also, after nearly every remark made by the animatronic president, he was locked into his applause subroutine; apropos or not. Hoping that the show was over, the audience kept clapping and rising to their feet, but the park cast members made sure that they were held within the hall for the durat

Steve Bannon, former adviser to the president, has been relieved of this position for the greater part of a month now. The Breitbart editor, with ample free time on his hands, can now be attributed to up to 15% of accidental car lockouts. In a recent interview with Charlie Rose, Steve Bannon has said that he has more free time than he knows what to do with. In the space between now and when he was fired, he has locked more than five thousand people out of their cars. He refused to disclose how he perpetrated these incidences, however Kellyanne Conway, Trump advisor and Bannon victim, has shed some light on the issue. "I was getting out of my car at the time, and I had just stepped out. I saw Steve running towards me at full force. Before I could react, he grabbed my keys, threw them into the car, and locked me out." Numerous other victims of Bannon's little prank have come forward to the authorities. At this time, however, no arrest warrant has been tendered.

On September 12th Apple revealed their new concept for the IPhone X. The new phone does away with the home button in favor of having the entire front of the phone be comprised of screen. To unlock the phone it will instead utilize facial recognition technology. Questions have been raised over the legitimacy of such technology, but has assured its patrons that there is a one in a million chance that it could unlock for someone else . It uses the newest technology, and it updates regularly which means that the IPhone will recognize you after you can no longer  recognize your own grandchildren. Having a screen comprising the entirety of the front means that you will have 5.8 inches of beautiful picture when you Skype your family. After you successfully call them on the third attempt, and then think you called the wrong number because you don't recognize the face on the other side. You can rest knowing your tears will fall on the biggest screen the IPhone has yet to offer.

Faux News is Good News: Cardigans for Cadavers Originally published on MaceandCrown.com   A new charity is gaining steam after a parents organization in Warren County, KY decided to take matters into its own hands. A local mothers group, Curators over Whatever ( C.O.W. ) , noticed that the conditions in the local morgue were less than satisfactory. “We went in last Thursday with the intent to oversee the process for ourselves; as we do with all other official offices within the city limits, and we were deeply disturbed” said local C.O.W. Janet Wyner. “The entire place was deathly cold and we all agreed that this simply would not do.” With new motivators in place the C.O.W.s focused their collected attentions on a plausible solution to the issue at hand. “There was quite a bit at stake. We had to accommodate for the chilling atmosphere of the morgue and also make it a more pleasant and inviting atmosphere for all,” she said. “We decided that the easiest course of actio