Apple Says: New IPhone Will Recognize Your Face Longer Than You Will Your Grandchildren

On September 12th Apple revealed their new concept for the IPhone X. The new phone does away with the home button in favor of having the entire front of the phone be comprised of screen. To unlock the phone it will instead utilize facial recognition technology.

Questions have been raised over the legitimacy of such technology, but has assured its patrons that there is a one in a million chance that it could unlock for someone else . It uses the newest technology, and it updates regularly which means that the IPhone will recognize you after you can no longer  recognize your own grandchildren.

Having a screen comprising the entirety of the front means that you will have 5.8 inches of beautiful picture when you Skype your family. After you successfully call them on the third attempt, and then think you called the wrong number because you don't recognize the face on the other side. You can rest knowing your tears will fall on the biggest screen the IPhone has yet to offer.

When arthritis finally takes the use of your hands away from you, just hold the front facing camera in front of your deeply inset expression of existential dread, and the phone will unlock. Leaving you with nothing but time to contemplate the meaning of existence.

The IPhone X begins shipping November 3.